The Jolly Douche
Friday, August 15, 2008
Peace In You Olive Pooch
Today in school I learned about macaroni. I learned that it is made out of human hair and pork rinds and is attached to the spot where my legs get together. The cafeteria people all tasted it and said it was a little sour, but a good first try. Tomorrow I will learn about meatballs.
Thank You Boogers, And All Of Your Kin
I have an intense fingernail fetish. I also have an unbelievable nostril fetish.
Now you know what I am thinking when I watch you pick your nose.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
When You Are Finished, Return Me To Get Your Deposit Back
I was riding in your beard with my girlfriends when we decided to go to the mall and get facials. All was not well at the mall though, and we ended up destitute prostitutes before lunch was over. As I was crying in my fifth pile of filth on the checkered walkway, a speckled pickle descended through the skylight in the sky and I asked, "Why?" It gave me a sour kiss and I felt better and put my clothes back on and got back in your beard and rode home, exactly the same as I was that morning.
It's Only Your Birthday If The Jolly Douche Says It Is
On your birthday, you get to go into a closet with that old man who has a hat and he gives you a special birthday kiss and then gives you a dollar for a present. I love my birthday - last year I got seventeen birthday dollars!Monday, August 04, 2008
The Jolly Douche Story Time Of The Day
Hello! My name is Dr. Kitty Frankenstein. A few days ago, I decided to make a monster out of dead people parts. Now, dead people parts don't just stick together on their own, so I had to sew. Sew what, you ask? I'm glad you asked! I had to sew dead people parts, sillies! I put them all together and then touched the monster a little more to add my personal touch - kitty heads! I realized my name had a bit of kitty in it and I wanted to bestow that on my monster, so I sewed the kitty heads on his wrists where his hands would have been. I sewed his hands on either side of his genitals. There would be little chance that my monster would go berserk (since he could constantly manually pleasure himself), but in the event that he did he couldn't harm anyone because he would only have kitty heads and not giant strong clamping hands.
My monster masturbated until his poorly sewn genitals detached and then went berserk. He quickly smashed his kitty heads to pieces, and then proceeded to maul me with sharp gristly mewling kitty stumps.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Are You Making Iced Tea?
She glided down the hallway and throatily whispered "chocolate…chocolate, chocolate."
Bigger Than Wendie Jo Sperber
I was riding on the spaceship and they told me to get off, so I went inside. When I got inside I received a vigorous round of applause from the robots. I programmed them to do that, but it still made me feel more famous than anyone else on the ship. And since feeling famous is exactly the same as being famous, the next time they tell me to get off when I am riding on the outside, I will yell "NUH-UH!"
Let's Settle This Right Now
There once was a slug named Divide
Who asked me to put him inside
He split me in two
Then fixed me with glue
And that's why my pants are so wide
Whisked Away On The Wings Of Your Pad
When I was fat, I derived great pleasure from not using my ragonastick and instead paying small people to whirl around me while spraying on berry-scented teenage girl body spray. I would waddle around Baby Gap and pretend I had just enjoyed a wonderful meal of newly-with-child teen, when in reality all I had eaten that day was an entire case of coffee-flavored Pop Tarts.
Labels: electrical, squiggle, yodel
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Run You Fingers Through My Beard. Did You Find Your Food?
Franklin found a gibbon and he popped it in his hole
Barry found a mongoose and he spread it on his roll
Karen found a shi tzu and she gave it too much love
Ellen found a pickle and she shoved it in her glove
Everyone is finding things to fondle and caress
The only thing I found today is blood inside my dress
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
If You Pay Me For A Story, I Am A Story Hooker
I'm going to tell you a story about Ferbert (Furburt).Ferbert (Furburt)'s mother had always loved the name Fuhrbuhrt, but was a foolish woman who did not know how letters worked. As everyone knows, letters work best when tied together with barbed copper wire and whipped at intervals of eight seconds. Ferbert (Furburt)'s mother was not everyone, so she did not know. When the time came to give a name she said the same thing twice and scratched her lice and rubbed her nipples with ice. The nipple-ice runoff formed letters in the sand, but sand lions were quick to kick more sand on top and the letters were stopped. The baby (Ferbert (Furburt)) crawled to safety and everyone called him Allen.
The Jolly Douche Constructive Criticism Of The Day
No one likes the way your left thumb looks. Please put it inside or under something so the rest of us don't have to suffer through its existence. Also, you have a smelly butt.
Don't You Ever Tell Me My Stilts Are Stilted
A poll was taken recently that asked me to tell you the story of the time I worked in the pig factory, so I must do that or my outies will become innies..
Once upon the time I worked in the pig factory, and I was the assembler number seven. Assemblers numbers one through six did not have heads, but I did. I had a large pile of heads, and I got to give a head to every pig that came down the line. I was the prettiest girl in the whole town that day.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Rub Me Three Times
"I'll give you three wishes," the fairy said to me."OK," I said, "Well then I wish I could go pee."
"You are!" he said, and lapped it up, gasping for air.
"Number two!" I yelled, "I wish to pee in your hair!"
"You are!" he said, and shook it out - right in my eye.
"Number three," I swallowed, "I would like you to die."
"I am!" he died, and so could not insult my pee
"Number four," I poemed, "I want better poetry."
She's Looking For The Nearest House Of Pies
I've never heard of you, and that's why I don't like you.
If I had heard of you, I might like you.
But probably not.
Labels: Advil, colorectal, junction
